


Vampire Babysitters

by chiasmus



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Drabble Collection, Gen, X-Men First Class Kink Meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-28
Updated: 2011-11-28
Packaged: 2017-10-25 00:49:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/269836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiasmus/pseuds/chiasmus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cracky mini-fill for <a href="http://xmen-firstkink.livejournal.com/3278.html?thread=4654798#t4654798">this kink_meme</a> prompt: <i>I would like some vampiric Erik/Charles. Both of them could be vampires, either of them could be one, or none of them were -- in fact, they were vampire hunters. Or babysitters. I don't really care.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“How do vampires even have babies? It makes no biological sense,” Charles says, holding the child away from him like she might be a bomb about to go off. The little girl – Raven, Erik thinks her name is – giggles happily and bares her fangs, trying to sink them into Charles' wrist, but unable to bend her head at that sharp of an angle. “You're a vampire, do you have any insights?”

“No. If anyone could answer that question, it would be you,” Erik says, grinning as he observes. Charles normally likes children while Erik doesn't have the first fucking clue what to do with them aside from dangling something shiny out of their reach and hoping for the best. Maybe he's enjoying the role reversal more than necessary – not that he wants to play babysitter anymore than Charles does.

“I mean, they're _dead_ you don't – how is this child even growing? Cells can't just – there has to be –”

“You should turn off the logical processes of your brain before your head explodes. I'm not cleaning that up.”

“Ha. I'm so glad this is the day you've decided to find your sense of humor,” Charles says, shifting Raven in his arms when she appears on the verge of crying.

“You shouldn't hold her like that,” Erik says. It's a tactic he would use if he were tiny, hungry, and food was within arm's reach.

“I know, I'm just –”

Before Charles can accomplish whatever he hoped to accomplish, Raven takes this opportunity to bite him.

“Ow – stop that, you adorable little _leech_ ,” Charles scolds as he tries to gingerly pry her mouth away without doing more damage to his skin. He glares at Erik in a way he won't glare at Raven, since even if she's a vampire, she's also still a baby and he won't scowl at her. “You could help me, you know.”

Erik thinks about the predicament for a moment. “I'd say we could distract her with a puppy, but she might eat it.”

Charles stares, horrified, even though he has to know it's a possibility. “Okay, I rescind any requests for help from you, unless you need to call an ambulance because I've lost too much blood.”

Erik hasn't ever fed on Charles – he doesn't want to associate his friend with food – but some base instinct still sparks _want, need_ whenever he sees or smells Charles' blood. His eyes must have darkened if the exasperated sigh Charles gives him is any indication. “I'll get bandages,” Erik says and quickly retreats.

“We are never doing any favors for your vampire friends again. _Ever_ ,” Charles calls after him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik’s left on his own with Raven while Charles goes to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another drabble... thing. I don't even know.

Erik’s left on his own with Raven while Charles goes to work. She naps until early afternoon and Erik dozes next to her until he’s jerked awake by sharp teeth digging into his hand. It doesn’t really hurt him, but he glares at Raven and she gives him a petulant look as he pries her off, holding her at arm’s length. “Yeah, I’m not Charles. That isn’t going to get you anything,” he says.

Raven frowns.

“Speaking of whom, he’s off-limits,” Erik continues, “as in, not for eating.”

Like last night, Raven’s expression falls like she’s on the verge of tears. Erik is unmoved, unlike Charles. “I’m serious. I don’t give enough of a fuck about you or your parents to prioritize you over him.”

Raven’s eyes narrow and Erik is reasonably confident that she understands what’s being said to her. He watches her to make sure she is appropriately cowed. He waits. And waits.

 _I will not engage a child in a staring contest_ , Erik tells himself, which becomes, _I will not lose a staring contest to a child._

Raven evidently has more patience than Erik. He breaks eye contact to check the time. There are still at least three hours before Charles will be back and that’s assuming he comes straight home. Erik won’t blame him if he doesn’t -- it’s the dick move Erik pulled the time Charles had been saddled with watching a colleague’s kid, who was mostly normal as far as Erik knows.

The way Raven gurgles and _grins_ at Erik is unsettling, even to him.

It’s going to be a long afternoon.

–

And it is. Erik feeds Raven, which is an ordeal in and of itself – mostly because the smallest cups in the apartment are shot glasses – and then discovers that her favorite form of entertainment is the mind-numbing enthusiasm of the Home Shopping Network. Try as he might to block it out, the occasional raucous comment jars his attention back to the program. He tries the other channels in vain, since when he turns from it Raven starts to attack one of Charles’ couch cushions with a vengeance. Erik resigns himself, trying as best

Charles returns at his usual hour and Erik tries to not trip over himself in relief as he gets up to open the door. Thanks to his enhanced reflexes he avoids falling on his face, but he still feels like an idiot as he lets Charles inside.

Erik must not fully succeed, since Charles smirks at him. “Bad day?” Charles asks amiably.

“It was about as intellectually stimulating as you would expect,” Erik says. “I have seen more things made for TV than I ever wanted to know existed.”

Charles laughs. “Really, Erik? That’s what you subjected her to?”

“ _She_ subjected me, it was the only thing that would keep her from –” Erik stops as he and Charles go into the living area, where Raven has forsaken the Home Shopping Network in favor of terrorizing Charles’ furniture once again.

Erik is positive this is just to make him look bad. He’s being outwitted by a _baby_.

Charles walks over to pick Raven up and extract a pillow from her clutches. “Keep her from what?”

“Nothing, apparently,” Erik says and plucks Raven from Charles just to spite her.

–


End file.
